EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
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I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Lucky old June.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.