Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.