@kelkulus

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

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@STRIKINGxVIKING

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

@jordan_stratton

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

@Home_Halfway

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

@topaz_kell

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

@QwertyJones3

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

@douglass_meghan

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!