Egyptians don’t walk like that.
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GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
? 💀
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
hackers play passwordle
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.