Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?