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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.