eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
You Might Also Like
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Awwwww shit.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something