eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
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Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
im 7 sauces long
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?