“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
You Might Also Like
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat