Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
lmfao
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*