@DontFuckWithMom

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

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@iLikeCatShirts

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

@joeljeffrey

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

@Breadery

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

@jonnysun

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

@robin_991

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

@Brianhopecomedy

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

@batkaren

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

@phirm

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?