Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

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Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.


Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?


*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.


MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap


6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?


Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.


Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.


Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?