Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
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All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
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Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute