Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
fr
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality