Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
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Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…