Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
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Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling