Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

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It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.


Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.


Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.


My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.


Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”


all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second


Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?


Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.


What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.


♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫