@PetiteRainCity

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

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@Kobbejaeger

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

@caseytduncan

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

@Ivsy01

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

@paminski

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

@PJTLynch

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

@BassoonJokes

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

@Bunnydurden

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

@Reel2Dialog2

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

@NikiWithIssues

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

@velvettusk

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫