Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
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Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]