Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
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The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Breaking news:
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
New mindset, who dis?
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala