Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
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[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.