Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
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I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
#math
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.