Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley