Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
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when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house