El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
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[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.