Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
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This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it