*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
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“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.