@murrman5

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

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@sofarrsogud

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

@obviousplant_

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

@junejuly12

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

@FeverFlave

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

@Cheeseboy22

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

@goldengateblond

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

@BradBroaddus

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

@GlennyRodge

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

@SolelyB

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.