Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
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I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.