[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
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Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT