[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
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mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I will never stop laughing at this
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.