[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
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In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
my nickname in college
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
did it work
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow