ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
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Adultry does not sound fun at all
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?