Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
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Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.