Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
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Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.