Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
You Might Also Like
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
The Sun