ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
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Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again