Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
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boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
she has a point
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not