Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
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My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I never needed anything more in my life
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week