Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
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At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.