[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
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Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.