[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

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The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.


*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*


[sending smoke signals]







Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.


Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.


I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.


“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume


Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.


Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.


My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.