@Fred_Delicious

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

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@caseytduncan

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

@NrouteHQ

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

@chuuew

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

@UncleDuke1969

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

@Playing_Dad

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

@tweetcomedian

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

@AngryRaccoon2

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

@mommy_cusses

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

@_SingleBabyMama

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.