Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
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How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Steam Forums
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.