@EyalTweet

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

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@GuyEndoreKaiser

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

@TheAlexNevil

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

@noog

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

@reallifemommy3

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

@thegallowboob

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

@batkaren

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

@Tmoney68

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

@JulieSnark

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.