Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
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Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
the Monday after daylight savings
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas: