Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
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[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp