Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
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Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.