email: CC
my brain: corn cob
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How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I’m crying im so happy for them
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.