*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
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Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral