*email from Amazon*
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Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
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[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Her: Still no
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’