Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
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my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.