Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
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I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.