Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
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Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
My beach vacation Google searches
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are: