Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
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There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio