Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

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Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!

– I’ll have two then please.

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe