embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
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Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape