Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder