e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
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My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?