emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
You Might Also Like
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Don’t forget to tip your server
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.