{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
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The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.