*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

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Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-


Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.


Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.


The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.


I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.


ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*


Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.


A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…


Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see